Coaching HeartTalk

Head vs. Heart

Every week I am on a call with a group of coaches with whom I took The Coaches Training Institute’s Coactive Space Leadership Program - http://www.thecoaches.com/leadership/ - a powerful, experiential 10-month program that we shared together eight years ago.

We have wonderful conversations and coach each other about issues we are dealing with personally and professionally.  We learn so much from these conversations, as well as support one another through life’s ups and downs, its challenges and joys.

This morning we were helping one of our group think through a decision she was trying to make.  Our questions and discussion really focussed on what the heart knows that the head is often arguing with.  How much easier is it to decide something when we get in touch with our heart where our truth resides?  So much less struggle.  So much more clarity.  So much more movement forward.

To me the heart and/or gut are the place of ‘inner knowing’, the place that has no time or space for the inner voices in my head.  I just know.  If only I would touch that place (literally or figuratively) whenever I have a decision to make, I know (because I just know) I would make it with ease and flow, and it would be right.

When you struggle with decisions, which part of you is running the show? Is it your head or your heart or gut?  Are you aware of the difference? 

Next time you have a decision to make and catch yourself in the head game, touch that place in you that just knows and see how easy it can be.

When "True Self" Shines

I just watched it again.  Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent.  And teared up again.  I think that would happen no matter how many times I watch it. My heart is full.  Full of admiration, joy, inspiration, full of the music, full of her brilliance.  

Full of the knowing that in each of us there resides our own gift to the world, if only we would walk out there, stand confidently in our knowing, and open our mouths to let it out for the world to enjoy and embrace.

It happened when I watched Paul Potts, another seemingly unlikely star with a brilliant singing voice,who won this contest a year or two ago, similarly stunning the judges, the audience and the world.  I just watched him again on a You Tube clip, and teared up again.

And I ask you, so you can ask yourselves:

Am I letting my true self shine?

How am I hiding my light, my gifts?  What am I cheating the world of?

With Susan Boyle and Paul Potts as inspiration, what is possible for me now?

Honouring Values

As a coach, I have the privilege of helping clients become aware of what is truly important to them.  Each of us has our own set of values that guide how how we act and often how we react.  I am often reminded of that when a client is upset about a situation.  When we talk about that situation and the clients’ feelings, and probe beneath the surface, we usually find that the anger, hurt or upset is due to a value ‘being stomped on’.  

For example, a client of mine was recently troubled by an incident at work in which she felt her contribution was ignored.  When we probed under the surface, what came out was that she didn’t feel respected, and I was able to remind her that ‘respect’ is a high value of hers.  She respects others for who they are, for what they contribute, and expects, in facts, needs the same in return.  

The simple awareness of this enabled her to breathe out her frustration and move on.

Often the  value has not been articulated, but it can be unearthed by taking a look at anger or frustration or hurt, and ask what’s underneath that?  What value is being stomped on, is not being honoured?

Can you identify a time when the heart of your hurt was a value stomped on, or not honoured?

How did recognizing that help move you forward?

Marcia Dorfman, MSOD, CPCC, coaches for the love of it - for the sheer joy of witnessing successful women and men re-discover their inner truths and the paths they are meant to take, tap into into their strengths, move forward with confidence, and make powerful choices in work and life. To learn more about Marcia, and decide if she is the coach for you, please visit her website

© Marcia Dorfman, One on One Coaching Inc., and www.coachinghearttalk.com 2009.  

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Marcia Dorfman or One on One Coaching Inc.  and www.coachinghearttalk.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Perseverance in the Face of Frustration

I have always admired people who quietly persevere in the face of frustration. I think they are truly the successful ones in life.  They are successful because by persevering, they ultimately achieve their goals, and - bonus - they reduce stress and anxiety.

I thought of this today as I tried to deal with some technical computer related issues.  (Normally that’s guaranteed frustration, stress and anxiety for me!) Some emails have been bouncing that I sent to a former client I have written to for years; it appeared her company now has a new and very aggressive spam filter. Good for them. Except my emails aren’t going through.  I had to negotiate with my internet provider who said it was the fault of my host, and my host who said it was the fault of my internet provider.  I felt like a bouncing ball - and what’s more I just didn’t get it.

Fortunately my son is a computer programmer and patiently explained to me how this whole thing was happening and why, such that I was able to calmly call the Internet Provider again and explain, patiently, how I understood the problem. No doubt my calmness and lack of frustration helped her see the light, and she is going to fix it!  

A small event in my day, and so much learning when I stop to reflect (fortunately it’s Saturday, and I’m not rushing to the next meeting or phone call or email).  

I learned that:

When I slow down, I can deal with frustration better.

Frustration does not solve the problem and in fact delays a solution.

If am frustrated, I only cause myself and anyone nearby stress and anxiety.

When I stay calm and take my time, one step at a time, lo and behold, the solution emerges!

Anything there resonate for you?

Inspiring Thought

This morning, reading about Nicholas Hughes’ tragic death (the son of Sylvia Path and Ted Hughes committed suicide as did his mother 46 years ago), I found myself moved by something his father is said to have written him.  “..the only thing people regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough heart, didn’t love enough.  Nothing else really counts at all”.

That stopped me in my tracks.  It made me question myself:  Am I living boldly enough?  Have I?  Do I invest enough heart in everything I do?  Do I love enough?

The answers to such questions don’t come quickly. Then again, good coaching questions (or ‘inquiries’ as we like to call them) don’t - they are not intended to.  What they are intended to do is have us think deeply, reflect, recalilbrate, perhaps shift our perspective, and ultimately our actions.

I plan to do just that with these questions about living life boldly, with enough heart, and loving alot!

For you, ask yourself also:

What does living bold mean to me/for me? Am I living boldly enough? 

Am I investing enough heart? What is enough? What does investing enough heart give to me? to others?

Do I love enough?  Do I let others know of my love for them?

There are so many questions this thought raises. I’d love to know if it has inspired you and how you answer them.

Energy Plus

What is it about a sunny day that makes us (me anyway) feel so positive and productive?  We’ve had sun here in eastern Ontario, Canada for a week now and I am positively brimming with energy and motivation.  (Or could it have to do with the fact that I’ve been going to the gym more often than usual?  Or that spring really is around the corner?)

Anyway, there’s something about a bright sky that brightens my life…. And I bet yours too.   For me it’s a feeling of expansiveness, lightness, excitement, anticipation…..and more.

How much does the brightness of the day affect your energy level?  Your feelings of optimism?  Your motivation? Your productivity?  What else?

Letting Go

So often clients come to coaching because they are “stuck”.  Stuck in an old story, stuck in a way of doing things, stuck in an idea of what isn’t possible.... in other ways, nothing moves forward.  A project stalls, an idea gets buried, a creation freezes.  

As a coach, I work with clients to get unstuck.  Usually by helping them see that there are more perspectives than their stuck one, and see that in fact they can choose the one that is more palatable.  

This week I was reminded that in order to see another perspective, sometimes you have to just admit your stuckness and decide to do something about it!!  I found myself ‘stuck’ in my own plan to do something that just wasn’t working.  Yesterday I had a little talk with myself, and realized that in order to move forward, I just had to ‘let go’ of the plan I thought was so great.  

When I did that, I was able to offer a way forward.  It may or may not work out, since it took me so long to come to this wonderful realization...but you know what?  It feels alot lighter to be rid of that load and however it turns out, I know that I am back 'in the flow'.  

So the coaching questions I offer you today are:

What place might you be stuck in?  
What do you need to let go of?

If you did let go, what is the way forward that you now see that you didn’t see before?

Would love to hear your comments about stuckness and letting go.

Taking a Break (2)

I have just returned from 2 1/2 glorious weeks of vacation, most of that spent on a cruise ship in the South Atlantic, visiting Buenos AIres, Rio de Janeiro and points in between (below: photo from cable car above Rio).  I thought I would write some blogposts while away, but much as I enjoy writing these posts when I am at home, doing so on vacation didn’t have any appeal during that time.  

So as I whiled away the time, in between making important cruise decisions (like which restaurant to go to for dinner), reading novels, going to the gym, sightseeing in unusual and wonderful places, I reflected on the pure joy of being pampered and just enjoying the newness, the beauty, the languidness of it all....and spending easy time with my husband with no responsibilities.

And I thought how important it is to take a break from one’s regular routine - to expand horizons, to appreciate what we have, to refresh one’s heart and soul.  

I’m still transitioning back to ‘the real world’, but know that I have a different kind of energy to move ahead in the coming days.

I wonder - 

Do you ensure that you take a break? Or are you consumed by your work and life responsibilities and challenges?

What refreshes your heart and soul?

What’s possible for you when you allow yourself to take a break?

Using Time Well

Do you use your time well, or is managing it a constant challenge? 

Most of us tend to think that we have managed our time well when we have been productive, done all our tasks or projects, and feel a sense of accomplishment.

But what about down-time, time spent relaxing?  That, in my humble opinion, is equally important.  Reading a book, the newspaper, or your favourite blogs, watching TV, meditating (still or in motion), in conversation with loved ones or friends or even strangers - where do all these fit in your definition of ‘using your time well’?

I used my time well last evening because I packed for a short 3-day trip then, instead of leaving it until this morning; now I have time to relax, listen to music, and write a blogpost, instead of being stressed to be ready in time for my train.  Oh yes, and go to the gym! :)

What is your definition of using your time well?  What are your criteria for well-managed time? How do you rate yourself (or do you berate yourself?) about your time management? 

What tips do you have to offer others who struggle with or agonize about using their time well?

Taking a Break

When we’re busy, overwhelmed, consumed with work and responsiblities, we often forget how important it is to take a break.  

A client of mine just returned from a wonderful relaxing cruise vacation with his family and I noticed how calm and yet rejuvenated he sounded about the work ahead of him in this new year.  As he talked about his trip and about his goals and intended actions for the next while, I was reminded of how important it is to give ourselves a break - at least yearly for a long vacation, for a day or two or three each month or week, for an hour or more each day.

It’s easy to get lost in the pile of paper, emails, phone messages, tasks to be done, important projects to complete.  And yet, when we do that, we lose more.  Sometimes we lose ourselves!

How often do you make ‘taking a break’ a priority in your year, month, week, day?

Do you long for balance in your work and life, yet forget to schedule the breaks that will help you find it?

Have you taken a break today? This year yet?  Last year?

What is the break you need right now?

What is the break you will give yourself right now? Or soon?

What doors do you know will open for you when you allow that space into your life?

_____________________

Marcia Dorfman, MSOD, CPCC, coaches for the love of it - for the sheer joy of witnessing successful women and men re-discover their inner truths and the paths they are meant to take, tap into into their strengths, move forward with confidence, and make powerful choices in work and life. To learn more about Marcia, and decide if she is the coach for you, please visit her website

© Marcia Dorfman, One on One Coaching Inc., and www.coachinghearttalk.com 2009.  

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Marcia Dorfman or One on One Coaching Inc.  and www.coachinghearttalk.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.